Today is my birthday — the last one I’ll have in my 30s. Which means technically I’m starting my 40th year around the sun!
The older I get, the more I find myself spending birthdays reflecting on my life and what I want it to look like. As some of you know (if you’ve been following my recent posts), I want to embrace a sense of fun again. To enjoy hobbies and spend time doing things that bring me joy.
Maybe it’s me railing against the toxic productivity culture. I watch YouTube videos literally every single day about how to be more productive or just do life better. It used to be inspiring; now it’s just exhausting.
I spent my 20s chasing a career, my 30s starting a family. I found so much success — but I’m also still searching for it, building it, fighting for it. I’m happy with my life the way it is, even as I reach for more.
What’s funny is that the older I get, the more aware I am of any gap between who I currently am and who I wish to be. In my 20s, I thought some things were just inevitable. Of course I would get married today. Of course I’d have a family. Of course I’d publish a book. Of course I’d have a great career. Anything that hadn’t happened yet was just waiting in the wings for me, because I was young and life is long.
But each year I realize… life is not so long, is it?
And that’s not a bad discovery. It’s a bit scary, sure, but it’s also liberating. Because life doesn’t have to just be about what’s beyond the next ridge. Sure, I hope to make a living with my writing and raise a wonderful son and get fit and learn Spanish and achieve all those New Year’s Resolutions. I want to check off my bucket list with a hot air balloon flight and a trip to watch the Olympic games. But I also want to live now. Right here. This is life, every day. I don’t want to waste it.
That’s where my longing for fun comes from. I want to feel wonder again. I watch my son look at the sky and squeal with delight when he sees an airplane, and I want that again.
How cool is it, that I can have it? We all can. Just look up — airplane! — and smile if you want.
So, as I age, I wouldn’t say I want less from the future… but I definitely focus on the future less. Maybe when I’m old, I will spend more time thinking about the past, just like I dreamed of the future when I was young. I don’t know. But I do think that entering middle age makes me realize that the here-and-now is where it’s at. I’m finally living in real time.
And what I want from the here-and-now is joy.
So, new year, new me. I have a list of goals to achieve, but they are more habits. More of a lifestyle to live. More of the air I want to breathe. That feels nice.
Most of all, I want my life to be playful.
Which is why I’m off to start my annual Dragon Age: Origins play session.
Video games are just one way to embrace play, but for me, they are the most familiar. Loading up an old favorite game like Dragon Age is like falling into an old habit — a good one. So maybe I will play video games now for different reasons than I used to, but at the end of the day, it’s still just play. We all need that in our lives!
So here’s to another year of play. Let me know what you’re playing in the comments. :)
💜 Ashley
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